The Right Kind of Wrong 1.0

As a kid, we usually are taught to always do the right thing; I mean, we have a class for it for Christ's sake (Good Manners and Right Conduct); to help an old lady cross the street, return a wallet to its rightful owner, etc. We held onto the fear that something bad will happen to us when we don't do good. And as adults, that's what we should always remember; to always want to do good. But what if doing the right thing means you'll have to give up your own happiness?

I've seen lots and lots of cases of "affairs" while growing up; it's in the family when an aunt decides to live with a married guy who was separated; it's in high school drama when you hear rumors about a certain girl or guy who has an affair with another guy or girl other than their boyfriend or girlfriend. Hell, it's even in movies and or t.v. dramas. And in all those times, I've always condemned the involved parties; I judged them for falling from grace and 'giving in to desire.'

Perhaps the greatest reason why I've always hated the idea of third parties or having an affair is because my sister got dumped by her almost 7-year partner for some bullshit reason of needing 'space,' and then the asshole just got to introduce a new girlfriend a few weeks after the breakup. And then, a few months after, I learned from a friend that the guy and his new girl was already reportedly dating even before he broke up with my sister. Yep, that would be the real reason why.

During those times, I was just in my freshman year in college, and I don't think I've ever forgiven the two of them for causing profound pain to my sister, which ultimately also caused not just me, but also my family, tantamount pain. I tried understanding them; thinking what could have happened? what could their reason be? how could they do that? etc. And I failed to understand even after using all the logic in the world. So I said to myself, I would never be the famed 'other woman'.

But I guess, in this life, 'never say never.'

I was just fresh out of the turmoil of passing the board exams and resting my brains for about 2 months; I was out to 'conquer the world,' and I chose to start by trying out on a hospital, which was hiring occupational therapists at that time. When I entered as a trainee, I was expecting it to be difficult because it would be a transition phase for me: from having a role of just being a student to having a role of a 'working daughter', which bears much greater weight and responsibility; suddenly, everything was just so serious, and money seemed to have become the center of gravity. All that I had in my mind then was 'work.'

It's just that in life, sometimes, the things that you didn't expect to find would come and hit you right at your face. There were physical therapists who were trainees like me; I knew some of them from my batch but the rest were from other schools, and or from other batches.

At first, I had this small crush for the receptionist who was a graduate of psychology from another university. He was actually the first person there who introduced himself to me and showed a wee bit of interest. Well, I call it a stupid crush because I knew that it wasn't anything serious; I told myself that I just had to have something to make me more motivated to wake up each morning and go to work. By that time, I was very homesick and felt very lonely. I didn't know why or how or who or what, I simply felt greatly 'unsure' of everything; my life, my career decisions, my friends, who I want to be, or where I'd want to be; for the first time in my life, I was so unsure of my future.

I was desperate to rid myself of that loneliness or that uncertainty. So every week, I try to gather all the company I could get; be it a dinner with an old friend from college or high school, or booze night with co-workers; I didn't care, so long as I wasn't alone.

By our second month of being trainees, we had to be grouped into 2 because the Christmas season is fast approaching, and we were asked to prepare performances for the department's party. That was the time that I started to get to know the other trainees.

But there was this one trainee who actually ticked me off the first time he ever spoke to me. He was the president of our batch and my first impression of him was that he is a douche bag. Yep, he confirmed it the moment he opened his mouth during our first meeting. I even told my friend, the other OT trainee, that he is the kind of guy that you'd most certainly get hurt if you fall in love with or, simply, meddle with him. So, classic asshole he was, I decided to shut him out, and just ignore him.

But then, he started acting weird by being very 'papansin' (attention-grabber), like, when I am walking with a staff OT, and we would pass by him, he would tell me off to the staff and he'll act all hurt or being bullied by me. Every time he'd do that I get pissed. And then my friend, the other OT trainee, also began to notice how he gets too attention-grabber around me. That's when I started noticing him.

We even became closer because we started chatting online after hours, and sometimes, even during work hours, which was weird for me. During that time, I was trying to kick start another level of friendship with the receptionist guy. But, eventually, my attention shifted from the first guy to this surprisingly irritatingly funny second guy.

I started asking myself this question: who would you pick? The guy who makes you happy and brightens up your day just by smiling at you and greeting you 'good morning'? or the guy who whenever you see him, you feel like your heart is bursting into a million tiny pieces and still you feel fine?

Guess who is who.

After the party and the performances, we became closer to the point when he asked me out to a movie. My OT trainee friend said that it was considered a 'date', but for me, I'm simply not sure. First of all, he mentioned no such thing as 'date' or synonyms of such word for that matter. He simply asked me out if I wanted to watch a movie with him.

I was actually thrilled at that time because it was my first time to go out, and my first time to go out on a 'movie', and my first time to go out on a movie with a guy... just the two of us. You can just imagine how I planned on canceling even when I was the first to get there, or how scared I felt; what if we don't click? what if I do something wrong? what if it doesn't end well? A lot of what ifs were going through my mind, but I said to myself, I would never know the answer to that question if I don't at least try and go.

So I went and watched a movie with him; I bought the popcorn and drinks.

The movie went well, except after the movie, he kind of 'bolted'. He used one of the lamest excuses out of the book: he said that his tummy wasn't feeling well and that he has to go home. He even used his phone and talked to his 'brother' aloud saying that he's on his way home. Yep, douche bag.

So I said, "go". And he did. I was walking along Araneta Center with actual tears streaming down my face. "Why?" That was the question that kept running on my head.

- End of Part 1 -

Then and Now

Change is the only thing constant in this world. It is inevitable. We humans go through this long and arduous process all throughout our lifetime. Sometimes, we do so painfully and sometimes hap’ly, but nonetheless, with equal significance.

I am the kind of person with an “a-lot-of-things-happen-in-one-minute, what-more-in-a-lifetime?” attitude. So for twenty years, give or take a few, I can say that a lot has definitely changed.

‘Watch’ Out

As I think all of us would agree, every childhood won’t be complete without each of our own all-time favorite cartoons or anime. Animax, Disney Channel, and Cartoon Network among many others, were the channels that, I’m sure at least at one point in everyone’s childhood, dominated our television hours. Powerpuff Girls, Pokemon, Dragon Ball, Detective Conan, and let’s not forget the famous classic fairytales, such as Snow White, Cinderella, Pocahontas, etc, were definitely our choice of ‘must watch’. We would gladly lend our eyes and ears to endless stories of magic, fantasy, fairies, Santa Claus, angels, or even the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I was like this until change changed me. I started to shift my interest to sports, such as volleyball and lawn tennis, and to almost all of National Geographic’s segments during high school. Then I began to like romantic comedies, mysteries, science fictions, fictions, action, suspense/thriller, and books-turned-into-movies/TV series kinds of genre during my freshmen year in college. I started becoming bored with cartoons; out of the blue, I could no longer stand Tom and Jerry’s endless cat and mouse chase that never really quite gets to the chase. Suddenly, I can no longer bear watching television with only the cartoon channel on for one whole day. It’s either I switch to History, National Geographic, ETC, Star World, or AXN. I didn’t quite get to notice it immediately, but during my junior year, after not watching any kind of animated drawings for about a year, I knew that I have changed.

Now, I only watch movies like Despicable Me, UP, Cars, etc, and would seldom watch any cartoons on TV. But don’t get me wrong. I did not become a person who hates the cartoons I used to watch. I still do love them, it’s just that now, I pretty much would not want to watch them or they aren’t exactly at the top of my ‘must watch’ anymore. Probably, when there’s no choice, I would. Besides, there’s always going to be that kid-at-heart thing in my vocab.

Chow-then

Do you know Cartoon Network’s Chowder? It is a cartoon about a young aspiring chef, Chowder, who is being trained by another chef, Mung. It is a really funny show. Anyway, I told you that because in the show, there was also some cooking done. And speaking of cooking and taste for food, drastic won’t even describe how this also changed over the years.

When I was just a kid, I was like one of the thinnest kids in school, literally. I don’t really fancy eating breakfast. Let’s face it, waking up early to eat and spend my precious sleeping time doing such was not really my thing. I was never really a morning person, I was shall we say, ‘nocturnal’. So back then, I don’t really eat much, like, I only get to eat for about 15 minutes and then that’s it. I easily get satiated. I eat so few food each meal that at times my mom would have to call one of my aunties who scared the hell out of me back then and she would make me eat. I was really not hungry most of the time and I was a really picky eater. I don’t know why, but it’s like food didn’t even appeal to me at all.

But now, look how grown up my belly, I mean, my appetite’s become! I eat 4 major meals a day not to mention the snacks I take in between breakfast and lunch as well as during midnight. And what’s worse is that I eat the heaviest meal during dinnertime and not much during breakfast.

Before, I used to eat only chicken and pork and very few types of veggies. But now, it’s like I can eat anything as long as it satisfies my taste buds. Not to mention the junk food and the guilty pleasures introduced to my ever-widening food-I-love-to-eat cognitive map.

Hangout

As a child, this would have meant going out into the streets and playing non-stop with other kids of the neighborhood until my parents call me for dinner. As a teenager, this would have meant sleepovers on a friend’s house for movie night or just endless chatting, road trips to random places, or food trips to affordable guilty pleasures.

But as a young adult, three things have managed to be equated to such: (a) having a pig-out night plus watching movie either alone or with family/friends, (b) having booze with friends plus sometimes with great food, or (c) having a good few or, if I’m lucky, more hours of under-the-covers-sound sleep.

Yes, my leisure time nowadays include me just unmoved within the confines of my room either sleeping, watching movie while munching food, or surfing the internet. I’ve become the boring person I've thought of and was scared of becoming when I was still a kid. But hey, on very rare occasions, my besties and I would go out and have random road trips, end up having a sleepover or booze at a condo, or watching random movies at home or in cinemas. Going to the mall has never  really been my thing, but I definitely love to shop whenever it’s Christmas season since I really love to buy things for people and for myself. But I do not consider  shopping as a regular thing.

Outlook on the Opposite Sex

Being kids, we used to hate each other, it used to be a world between girls with their ponies and Barbie dolls, and boys with their toy guns and gameboys. We have these imaginary solid walls between such worlds. But as time passed, one wall eventually started cracking after another revealing the shy beauties of one world and the gentle toughness of the other. Crushes begin to blossom and butterflies start fluttering in thy stomachs.

By the time we’ve reached our teenage years, crushes would have been one of the ‘it’ things-to-do. Having someone chase after you and shower you with sugarcoated words and material things isn’t too bad after all. Besides, it’s the nature of human beings; neither can live without the other.

But as I reached college, it felt like forming more serious relationships than just those borne out of intimate love. We start forming serious friendships that will last a lifetime. Of course, there are times that we don’t settle just for friendship, and thus, develop a deeper sense of understanding and relating to each other. But I’d go more for companionship than just being the girlfriend or a guy’s girl. This section may have been a bit senseless, but I just can’t put into words my explanation.

Happiness

I used to equate happiness with money. I believed that everything would have gone smoothly in life if only one has money to buy ice cream. But as years went by, life happened. I learned that it’s not the money that makes us happy; it’s what the notion of being satisfied with whatever we have at present that does. It’s not about the money and most of the time, it’s what the money can do. But take away all those, and go back to the time that money wasn’t the main focus and goal of life, maybe we’ll realize that it’s the simple things that bring happiness. Doesn’t one saying, “sometimes, even the best things in life are free” ring a bell?

So you see, it’s insane how change creeps up on us and slaps us in the face. There are still a lot of areas to consider where changes have made huge impact. But as for now, these are the things that I think matter to me and thus, deserved to be discussed. I’m pretty sure a lot of you can also think of other things about yourselves; things that have greatly evolved through the years. We might find it scary when we realize how different things are from before when everything was just as simple as learning ABCs. But sometimes we’ll also realize that maybe change is exactly what we need.

Isn't it funny how everyday, nothing changes? And yet when we do look back, everything actually has.

- Keso

You Could Be Happy

Happiness is indeed our own choice. But more often than not, it’s a choice quite difficult to make.

These days are part of those times when you think nothing could ever get much worse, and then they do. It’s those days that all you can say is “When it rains, it pours.” I’m not actually one of those persons in this world who can look past something sad or depressing that easily. I’ve never been one of the happy-go-lucky ones. I tend to dwell on the things that make me sad or that are depressing. For me, these things are after all part of what made me ‘me’ right now, and what will continue to help shape the future ‘me’, as well. It’s difficult to say “ok lang iyan” when you know in your heart that nothing is really okay, and it’s not okay, definitely not.

“Failure is a friend: it teaches us resiliency; it teaches us humility; it reminds us how it feels like when we don’t succeed. Life, after all, is not failure-free.” - Atty. A. Maneja, 2011

I have been saying this quote to myself a LOT more than what is acceptable for a lifetime. The 1st I heard this quote, it made a huge impact on me that I was crying on my seat. Until when it got old; until when it seemed that I took an arrow to the knee. I don’t know about you, but when do you actually say to yourself that enough is enough? Sometimes, you’d actually come to the point when you thought nothing more could ever go wrong since nothing seems to be right, and then the worse gets worst.

How do you choose to be happy when all the world’s walls seem to be closing in on you? During these times, happiness is like wishing for water in the middle of the desert; you know that you need it badly to survive, but no matter how much you actually wish for it, nothing ever comes… you just simply can’t have it at that time.

Yes, you could be happy. But the question is how? We all want to be happy. But how do you become happy when you know deep in your heart that no amount of serotonin can ever make you feel happy about something that broke so many of your loved ones’ hearts?

Minsan, maiisip mo na lang, “naging mabuti naman ako, ginawa ko ang lahat, ano pa bang kulang? wala ba akong karapatang maging masaya?”

One method to become happy is be grateful of all the blessings that one continually receive daily. But, it’s not that I’m not thankful, I am very grateful. It’s just that merong mga bagay-bagay sa buhay na hindi ganoon kadaling talikuran na lang para maging masaya.” And this is one of those. “Failure is part of life”, says Bill Gates. But it doesn’t have to mean that we always have to fail, sometimes, a little success would be nice, wouldn’t it?

- Keso (You Could Be Happy - Original Post)