A Broke Medical Student's Life: Surviving a Semester with £300

This chapter might be the hardest one to write. I am not sure how to begin. I guess because for almost anybody who you speak to and they find out that you're in medical school, they'd prolly immediately assume you're rich or well off. But as we all know that is entirely not the case for me.

Ever since the first semester in medical school, I believe that I probably am the poorest student in my school. And I still genuinely believe that. I didn't care what other people think though, all I care about is that I am one step closer to making my medical dream come true.

And so I went to embark on the most expensive and likely the hardest journey of my life - medical school with no money.

Let's lay it all down. I have just about £10k worth of savings in my bank when I started which is being used up to pay for the interest of the student loans that I take out per semester as well as the monthly costs of living (i.e. rent, food, groceries, transportation, school stuff, phone bill, etc). As I mentioned, 75% of the tuition fee is covered by the student loan and the remaining 25% I have to pay out of pocket which I get from my earnings by working as an occupational therapist (OT) in the UK during term breaks. Still - it's just about enough, so my family (mainly my parents and boyfriend) have been helping out by lending me money to fill the small gaps.

With this system, I made it through 3 semesters in medical school until I had to undergo this operation over the summer break and that's when my funds certainly won't be enough to cover the 25% TF plus monthly living costs.

The following are roughly the costs that I have while studying in AUA:

- Tuition Fee: ~$16 to 17k US

- Monthly repayment of loan interest: $75 US (per loan - now $225 US per month)

- Monthly bills (rent, phone bill): ~$800 US

- Transportation: $450 US

- Food and allowance (miscellaneous expenses): £300

For three semesters, all I ever use up in the island is £300.

Yes, you read that right - three hundred Great British pounds which is roughly 990 Eastern Carribean Dollars. How?

First of all, I don't spend anything almost everyday whilst on campus.

Chicken Adobo dinner with rice and tomato salad

I don't buy food or drinks. I have my water bottle which I fill for free from the school's drinking fountains. I bring my own yet cheap coffee at home and that sustains me for the whole day. Although I do bring sachets of 3-in-1 coffee which I use only on those rare occasions when I feel I need to top up my energy.

I meal prep. once or twice a fortnight and those 2-3 meals that I make (mostly Filipino dishes) last me at least a month. Yes, a month. I alternate the meals or sometimes, when it's my favourite dish, I even eat the same thing for at least a week.

Homemade Tuna Patties

For example, one Saturday or Sunday, I'd make chicken Adobo, Filipino style spaghetti and stir fry veggies (mainly cabbage) in the morning or at midday after going to the groceries earlier during the day. I'd probably finish cooking around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. After which, I'd rest or eat a late lunch, have a shower and then study for the rest of the day until midnight.

I don't usually have breakfast - just coffee. So I'd pack a small portion of the dish (normally with rice) in a container for lunch and dinner. Let's say, I'd have chicken adobo plus rice and spaghetti one day, and then spaghetti and stir fry veggies plus rice the following day. I'd just switch up the combinations of the three meals for one or two weeks or until I finish everything.

Stir fry noodles with veggies

I usually cook meals that have the least amount of ingredients, the least amount of time and complexity needed for cooking, and those meals that can last long in the fridge. Adobo is the best example of such meal - it is very easy to make, tastes fantastic (but more like home) and has very few and cheap ingredients!

Filipino style spaghetti (top) and Pork giniling (bottom)

Vegetables, fruits and seafood are a luxury in the island, as well as all other proteins apart from chicken. 

But to be honest basically everything is expensive!

My staples are chicken, rice, potatoes, cabbage and noodles/pasta. I hardly eat fruits apart from cucumber (and free mangoes during their season) and veggies apart from those I mentioned because I'd rather not spend ridiculous amount of money to buy items when they rot/spoil too easily and quickly even though they're in the fridge. The technique is to cook them as soon as possible, otherwise, you close the fridge and they'd have wilted the morning after.

Sinampalukang Chicken (in tamarind/sour base soup)

I love green mango!

We're not too sure why - but my best guess is because almost everything is imported by the island.

Every time I come back to the island, my 23kg of check in luggage is just filled with food that will help to sustain me the whole semester. I also bring school stuff and other student essentials with me because I'd rather not buy ridiculously overpriced but sub-standard items sold in the island. And since I don't get to eat much vegetables and fruits, I bring 2 types of vitamins/supplements with me, and so far for three semesters, with the grace of the Lord, I've never been sick whilst on the island.

Homemade pulled BBQ chicken bao (bun bought from UK M&S)

For most AUA students, every school gathering with free food and drinks is a totally complete bonus especially if we get to take home food with us - for example, just a simple general body meeting of a club with free pizza and you get to take home 3 slices, we're looking at hassle-free breakfast for 3 days - well, at least for me because I (i.e. my tummy) am not a fussy eater. Literally, I am not maarte (stagy/fussy).

Free food and drinks from a GB assembly

During the 3rd semester, I also started to go to the school pantry to get free food at least once a week during the latter part of the semester when my monies really did start to dwindle.

The school's food pantry is a huge blessing to be honest - I definitely see myself maximising this come MED4.

For transportation, during the 1st semester, I was automatically enrolled into the school bus so I used that daily for the whole term to take me between home and campus but only on a set bus schedule. And if you missed the bus - for example, you we're not on the bus stop by the time it passed, you'd have to walk 15 minutes to the campus under the sweltering heat of the sun. But most times, going home from campus, you'd be home late because the bus drivers would wait ~15 minutes for the students to come and then depending on where you live (i.e. where your housing is located in the bus route), they'd have to drop off students to other housing first before you. So during that time, it takes about 30 minutes for me to get home even though my apartment is only a 5 minute drive from campus. 

For the succeeding 2 semesters, I availed of a taxi service worth $450 US for the whole term and this takes me to/from school on my preferred time slots daily except Saturdays (2nd term) or Sundays (3rd term) and bank holidays. During such days, I walk to/from school if I don't get a friend or another student to kindly pick me up or drop me off from or to home.

During the 2nd and 3rd semesters, my service also gives me at least one grocery run so I didn't have to rely on a friend/classmate for a ride to such when they are going.

I don't go out for drinks or snacks or food like most of my classmates. When I do go out, I'd pick the cheapest but most sustainable item/s on the menu. I didn't really care or for me it didn't matter.

Tried the unlimited wings after a major exam

I'm more than happy to endure a basic and simple life for 4-5 months as long as I pass and finish the semester strong.

For fitness and exercise: either I jog/run around campus or within the vicinity of the campus/housing or I go to the school gym about 2-3x per week which is free for students - although the facilities aren't so great (i.e. they have basic equipment but it will do) so I don't have to pay for a membership fee.

For MED1 and MED2, I have to stay at school for as long as possible so I don't have to use up electricity at home which I'd have to pay on top of the rental fee. So I normally am at school from 8AM to 9 or 10PM. I didn't use the AC as much as like most of my classmates. I only turn it on for 15 to 20 minutes max at night before I sleep just to make the room cold enough. Luckily, I have been blessed with the gift of falling asleep quickly, so it was never a problem for me.

For MED3, electricity was already included in the rental fee - so I didn't have to suffer the heat that much anymore because I can use the AC whenever and for as long as I wanted to. I do my laundry for free over at a good friend's apartment who lives on the next street once a month (for MED3). During MED1, I had to pay $20 US once a month, and during MED2, it was included in the rent.

The miscellaneous fees were just club fees which were normally around $20-25 US, or on instances of needing to buy one or more household items. Rarely after a major examination, I'd treat myself to something small but worthwhile like maybe 3 pieces of fried chicken from Epicurean or an order of fries from the cafeteria. Most times, I have a few true friends who treat me.

Free Dinner!

Every semester in Antigua, I live as a medical student with the tightest budget one could ever imagine. I don't spend any penny unless I absolutely have or need to.

It is hard don't get me wrong. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that I'd be living in the simplest and most basic way possible. It's a good thing I have already lived through financial struggles whilst growing up as a Southeast Asian kid in a developing country. It didn't bother me as much.

I am but ever grateful to Him that makes everything possible. At least once or twice a month, when I'm about to run out of food, He'd make a way (e.g. suddenly an event will happen at school and I'd end up with free food for the whole week).

And as I near my surgery, days are dwindling down. I only have roughly 2 weeks during which I can work as an OT and that won't even cover the rent for the whole semester. Each day that passes by makes me more and more anxious. And so everyday becomes a test of faith - it is so hard to believe when everything just feels like it's an uphill battle and with every move you make, you just can't seem to win.

Praying the Rosary with Catholic club members on Fridays

In my life, never have I been this close to God and been tightly held on to my faith. I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay for all the fees and expenses this coming MED4. But if there's anything I've learned (the hardest way) while in medical school, all I can ever do is have peace in knowing that He is in control and that He will make way.

He provides - all you need to do is believe.

Campus Pond

 

What A Broke Medical Student Looks Like: Time Management at its finest and God's Grace

The main purpose of this blog is to help paint a picture of my experience so far having been in medical school for three semesters. I can confirm that the major force that has gotten me throughout this is my faith in God. For every non-believer, I could actually attest that my whole life is a testimonial of God's greatness. He has carried me through every single hurdle. And I owe everything to Him.

I am here because of Him.

And for all honesty, as cliche as it sounds, the 2 reasons I originally had as to why I had this dream in the first place are no longer the main reasons why I am doing this. My experience as an occupational therapist both in the Philippines and more so in the UK has become the main fuel or drive to become a doctor.

I just feel it in my bones that I was born to become one; that I can help more and do more if I become one. 

I'm not doing it for the money or the fame - I could've gone to other professions to get those. I am doing this because I want to be an instrument of His healing ; so I can help other people. Trust me, I would never have put myself into this self-imposed grueling hardship if I didn't genuinely want this. I have put my entire life on hold because of this dream. I wouldn't even wish this kind of hardship on my worst enemies - also cause I don't think they'd be able to handle it. (wink wink) 

As a skint medical student in a foreign island, I have 3 main priorities on the top of my list: meeting my most basic physiological needs (includes being 'healthy'), efficient management of  money  (for paying the rent, food, basic essentials like toiletries, household items, school supplies, etc) and  time , and studying.

Cupcakes baked by my first med. friend

Those were the only things that greatly mattered while I was in Antigua and literally nothing else especially during my first semester. I decided that I would solely focus on studying and make sure I pass before I allowed myself to do anything else. It was also the time to test the waters - see how hard studying medicine is, the style of teaching of the professors, the 'school' environment, my fellow students, etc. I was still establishing my routine and was trying to get back to the full on 'student mode' and switch from a professional who's already worked a significant amount of time. Also - I feel I'm no longer in the 'top shape' for studying compared to when I was younger. So let's say everything else became 'sub-important' or got filed under the 'worry or think about it later.' And those were like my family/relatives/BF (plus all the drama attached), friendship, non-school-related/extra-curricular activities (eg clubs, school politics, etc), news, etc.

I was like a horse with blinders - always just looking forward towards the goal: finish medical school in one go and as quickly as possible. I literally cannot afford to fail - I told myself that if I fail in any form or way, then that's the end of the line for me.

And so for me, coming to Antigua to chase my medical career dream means FAILURE IS AND WILL NEVER BE AN OPTION .

Hence, I studied everyday of the week. You can only find me in four places when I'm in Antigua: my apartment, on school/campus daily (about 90% of the time in the level three library commons or in a classroom when attending live lecture), the grocery store ( at least once a month mostly to do food-shopping), and the Catholic church (on Sundays when I get a ride/transportation).

Holy Family Cathedral

I've established a routine that manages my time so well so it's balanced between meeting my most basic physiological needs and studying. I've stuck to this routine which has indeed changed a little bit over the three semesters. But medical school is really damn hard. There's always too much content that needs to be covered over the shortest amount of time. After just the first semester, I have acquired a deeper understanding and a different level of respect and admiration for all medical doctors in the world.

What follows is what a typical day of 'MED1 Me' looks like.

My day starts at 6AM. I get up, drink my anti-HTN medications and vitamins, and prepare my ' baon ' (coffee and food for lunch, snacks, and dinner) into my lunch bag while talking to my parents (or to my BF when he is on a late shift at work) in FB messenger. I have been automatically enrolled into the school bus service which has specific pick up times to/from the school housing which meant that if I missed the bus, then I'd have to walk to campus or back home. So for the following semesters, I availed of a taxi service for $450 US (same fee for the school bus) for the whole semester and that takes me to and from school everyday (except on Sundays) on times that I want and it includes one grocery run per week. I walk to and from school on Sundays if I don't get a ride home or sometimes, when I do get transportation to go to the 7AM Sunday mass, I get to have a ride to campus after that too.

AUA COM Main Building

I'm already on campus before 8AM. I refill my water bottle in the water fountain and then settle in my usual table in level 3 (L3) library commons. I found that I cannot study in the quiet rooms (where you're not allowed to talk let alone breathe) but I get to concentrate more in a loud environment like L3. In L3, I can also eat and video call my parents/siblings/BF on FB messenger. Most of the time, they just watch me or are just in the background while I study.

AUA Campus

I study in L3 until 8 in the evening. For me, a "break" means doing ANYTHING ELSE apart from studying. So I don't really have a lot of breaks. My only breaks are reserved only for 'verbs' that are for meeting physiological needs like eating (ie lunch sometime between 1-3PM and dinner sometime between 6-9PM), toileting/personal hygiene, etc or going to church/hearing online mass. I do have occasional 'snacks' but I don't take a break from studying. Also from time to time in the library, some people will come by and have a chat but I try to minimize this as much as possible.

As I also try to maintain 'being healthy' which for me equates to 'not getting sick while studying,' I make sure I have some exercise during the week. My goal has been to go to the free school gym for at least an hour 3x (MWF) a week. When I do manage to force myself to go, because sometimes laziness wins and I justify it further with 'I still have a lot of studying to do,' I go between 6-8PM. With God's mercy and grace, I have never been sick for the past 3 semesters - alleluia!

When I get home from school, I tidy up my bag (wash lunch box contents) and if I didn't have my dinner at school (usually on days I go to the gym), then I'll have dinner while talking to my parents and my younger brother in Canada on FB messenger. After that, I have a short break to shower and go back to studying usually from past 10 until 12 midnight. Then I go to sleep. And the cycle repeats after 6 hours.

At least one Saturday a month, I'd go with one of my classmates-turned-friend who has a car to the grocery store early in the morning and then I meal-prep by cooking 2-3 meals which will last me a good 3 weeks. Then on Sundays, if I get a ride with a friend, I go to the cathedral for mass. But most Sundays, I just have to resort to watching online mass in YouTube either by Manila Cathedral or Quiapo Church. I almost always end up crying after receiving the body of Christ and I pray for Him to grant me the strength and wisdom to make it through this journey.

That was my routine. I never missed a live lecture class - either online or in person. Always on a Friday night, during the 5-7 minute ride home, I imagine how I would relax and take a break by watching an episode of MasterChef, just simply playing Boggle or checking social media on my phone. But the minute I get home, I do my routine and all thoughts of 'relaxation' go out the window. I said I'd just reward myself after the work is done. And I just don't want things simply 'to be done', they'd have to be 'done well.'

There is no rest for the wicked.

And that routine paid off and keeps paying off because for the 1st two semesters, I'm proud to say that I was part of the Dean's Honor Roll which is the top percentage of the whole batch. I never cared what other students got on every exam or quiz or assessment - myself was my only competition. I strived to be better than myself from the day before as much as I could. For all those who can relate:

I was Taguro (from the anime Yu Yu Hakusho aka Ghost Fighter).

I'm giving it my 1000%. Like I said,  I absolutely cannot fail . 

Rising Up from a Fall

My boyfriend once told me that the best or greatest boxer in the world is Joe Calzaghe. He was obviously biased as he's English and Joe was English. I asked him why, and he answered simply because he retired undefeated (i.e. he did not lose a match).

I disagreed; not to his point that Joe Calzaghe is the world's greatest boxer - I did not have much knowledge about boxing to argue about that. I disagreed to the idea that 'greatness' or being 'the best' meant that you 'never lost.' Personally, I feel that greatness can be seen more in people who actually suffer defeats and losses, and yet manage to come back again and become a better person. I believe that rising up from a fall or defeat takes more courage and strength of a person that people who have never experienced a fall or defeat can only imagine. This does not mean to say that winners are 'not great' or are 'weak.'

For the past few weeks, I have been crawling and have been slowly trying to find the strength to rise up again from yet another fall.

How many times do you need to apply for the same position, in the same workplace, but with different circumstances, to get the position? In my case, third time's no charm.

I have been working in the same hospital for over four years now, and having become jaded had led me to aspire to progress and go up my career's professional ladder. I pride myself as someone who wants to keep on learning and developing; always trying to be a better version of who I was yesterday. I thirst for challenges and thrive in pressure. Hence, when I reached the point of feeling like being stagnant in my role as a professional, I felt that for my mental health, I needed to move on.

And so I tried to apply for a higher position. I prayed to God with all my heart, because they said that "ask and you shall receive." But for four instances, God's answer was 'no.'

With every single time that I didn't get the job I applied for, I felt like a candle slowly losing my wax and diminishing a little day by day, until my wick reached it's end and I lost my light.

With every rejection, I still prayed and asked God, 'why?'. But for me, all I heard in return was silence.

I hurt after every defeat and the pain I felt got worse each time.

I normally have bouts of crying for a couple of days and nights. And then eventually, I learn to live with the pain; I move on and forced myself to believe that it's not a 'no' from God but rather a 'not now.'

Until finally, on this third time of applying for the same position, something unexpected happened.

I did the interview, and failed to get offered the position that I applied for. And so I went through my usual phase of moving on. This time it took me about two weeks before I found myself being at peace and accepting of what happened. It was the longest time for me to recover, and find the courage to stand up again and fight life's battles so far in my lifetime.

I spoke to God in my prayer and told Him that I believe that His plans are always way better than ours. And the next day, I got an email from my line manager asking me to give her a call as she has a quick question she'd like to ask me.

I was anxious about what it was. I thought at first that she was going to ask about an update regarding an audit that I was meant to be leading for the department. And so I shrugged the message off and  planned to respond to her the following day.

I called her back and it turns out she was going to offer me the same position but a different post. All the while she was explaining how the post became possible, a question kept running through my brain was 'is this some kind of a joke?' But it wasn't. She gave me 3 days to think about it as she knew I already applied for the same position in other hospitals.

I thought about it for 3 days, and of course, my obvious answer was yes.

But while mulling it over with my family, I was actually in a state of confusion as to what I should do. I told God that I was ready to move on - to other opportunities and even considering moving on to other hospitals even if it meant changing big chunks of my life and stepping out of my comfort zone. And after having me go through all of that pain, self-doubt, self-pity, humiliation, and eventually, acceptance, God suddenly says, 'now is the time, my child'? I simply was shook, and utterly confused.

But to my family, there's nothing to be confused about and that God's will was crystal clear. They believe that it was God's way of testing my faith and wanting me to learn something.

I realised that in all of those job interviews, the reason why this 4th time was different was because this was the only time that I actually became totally at peace and surrendered to God's will after. I didn't just learned to live with pain and humiliation. This time, I actually fully accepted that greater things are yet to come.

Maybe this time, I finally passed the test and so God finally said 'yes.'

This experience taught me that it truly is frightening not knowing what the future holds for us, but knowing Who holds the future makes all the difference.

So find that courage to rise up again and keep the faith. When God closes a door, be prepared for Him to open up windows or even the roof... in His time.

That Thing Called Tadhana

I just got home from a client's house, where I provided occupational therapy service for about an hour. I was really tired and I felt like not having dinner and just going straight to bed. But today, I have jogging or Nike Training Club session inputted as part of my Project Summer Bod. So I willed myself to changing into running clothes and dragged myself to the University. I usually jog for about an hour around the grandstand. The first 3 laps for warming up included jogging the three legs of the grandstand at a fair pace, and then doing brisk walking for the 4th leg. This is then followed by 10 laps of nonstop jogging around the grandstand at a slow pace. And then for cooling down, I do 2 laps of leisure walking, still, around the grandstand.

 

During my 1st lap of leisure walking, I was about to pass by a guy drinking from his water bottle. When I was almost in front of him, he started walking at a pace similar as mine so that he was walking just a few steps ahead of me. This went on for about the whole length of 2 legs of the grandstand. I was even singing some lyrics of Coldplay's The Scientist while I was walking leisurely behind him. By the time I was about to be at the same level as him, I decided to overtake him since I felt like he might think I was following him.

After overtaking him, I started thinking to myself, as I always do, how I am growing old real fast. I said to myself that I am already 24 years old, and that if I wanted to be married by 29 or 30, I should have started having a serious relationship by now. I was talking to God, and asking Him what his plans are for me. I started to feel panic welling up on the pit of my stomach, because up until now, I don't really have anyone whom I can consider as someone I'd spend the rest of my life with. 

 

During my 2nd lap of leisure walking, at the same spot where I almost passed by the 'guy', I was looking up at the sky, and enjoying the view of the stars, which is a rare view here at the city, what with all of the smog and cloudy skies. While I was singing some lyrics of Coldplay's A Sky Full of Stars, somebody tapped my left forearm, and I jolted. I immediately took off the earphones and turned off the music. It was the 'guy' from before.

He said, "Hi! I don't usually do this. But, can I ask you a question?" Flabbergasted, I replied, "Oh, ok. What is it?"

 

He said, "I just noticed from earlier, but are you perhaps following me around?" If it was somebody else without the cute face, I would have been offended. But I couldn't get myself to feel irritated. Instead, I felt kilig vibes all the way, what with all of the cuteness in the way he said it. So I said, "Umm, no, of course not! I was just doing my cooling down. In fact, it's my 1st lap of leisure walking."

He then said, "Oh, man. Really? You were just really doing some cooling off? I mean, cooling down?" He looked disappointed but in an amused kind of way. "Oh, well. by the way, I'm Dave." I was shocked, but I shook his hand as I was introducing myself, "Lara."

And then he went on by asking me about where I live, why do I allow myself to be tired if I've got classes the next day --- to which I answered that I don't have classes anymore, and then he figured that I was already a graduate. And he was really amazed and shocked that I was not a freshman, that he thought I was kidding. We talked about my job, and from which high school he graduated from. We talked until we finished one lap of my leisure walking. And then, he said, "Listen, if ever you're gonna be doing this again, can I jog with you?" I jokingly replied with a smirking face, "Well, can you keep up?" He laughed and said, "Okay, now, I'll be the one to boast. I was actually a football athlete during high school. So now, I'll ask you, can you keep up?"

He asked for my number. But for some unknown reason, I replied that I have not my mobile phone with me. He thought I didn't want to give him my number, so I told him in a hurry, "Okay, okay. I'll get your number." And then he gave me his number, we shook hands again, and we parted ways.

I was supposed to go home at a leisure walking pace, but with what happened, I couldn't stop myself from running. Because I couldn't believe that what just happened really happened. I never really thought that "tadhana" is something that plays a role in my life. But even though it's just for one night, and it's prolly not something big as well, it made me realize that sometimes, life doesn't just gives you lemons, it taps you in your hand and hands you out a lemonade --- something you're not expecting, but something that might be, JUST MAYBE, even better.

Different Circumstances

I look at my room...

And I panicked at the time on my clock. It read nearly 6am. I'm supposed to be walking for school and am supposed to have already bought my lunch for my fieldtrip. So I gathered all my things in a hurry and went to set out for a journey. It's Saturday, and it's the 14th of February. Though it is still the wee hours of the morning, people are starting to emerge from the streets of Dangwa, carrying flowers. I was on high spirits since you don't always get to have a field trip when you are in RS. It is a trip towards a day of meditation and reflection with God, towards Monasterio de Tarlac, for our Theology subject organized by Ma'am Q. I went straight to the meeting place without stopping to buy my lunch since I was scared that I might be left behind by the bus. As I arrived, there was only a handful of my classmates on board the bus. I was actually disappointed because I didn't get to buy my lunch just to hurry to the meeting place. So I decided to go buy lunch. However, Ma'am Q already arrived so I can no longer go because she's already instructing us to board the bus. So I've no choice but to board and find a nice place to sit with my friends. The day went on, we arrived there at around lunch time. Good thing my friends packed up enough lunch for us to share. We had our liturgy, a time for medication, and picture taking. Then we went to our classmate's home in Tarlac, where we had some snacks. We then headed back towards UST and arrived there at around 9pm, I think. When I got home, I made myself smile so that I'll show my date that I'm not too tired to go out on a dinner date... with her. I opened our room, and my sister was singing and listening to her cellphone's radio.

I said, "Let's go eat dinner."

We went out to McDonald's Lacson. And as a gift for my sister, I paid the bill. We took out and decided to eat our simple Valentine's dinner at home.

(BSFAM photo (with me at the middle) taken at Monasterio de Tarlac) 

I look at my room...

And I see my stuff scattered in my sister's bed. My cellphone rang, it is 2 in the morning. My sister just sent me a text message.

"Where are you? Aren't you going to fetch me?"

I keyed in a short response, "On my way."

This has been me and my ate's situation ever since last year. I sort of wanted to fetch her from work every time her shift ends, either very late in the evening or very early in the morning. I went out of my room and told our land lady that I'll be going out to fetch my sister (even though we aren't allowed to go out during late hours). Upon hearing that I'm going out, my dorm-mates decided to come with me, because an opportunity to go out at the wee hours of the morning is once in a bluemoon, and besides, it is the morning of the V Day. Dangwa, where the gate where I'll fetch my sister, will be flooded with people who would want to buy flowers earlier and not get the hassle to buy it later during the day. It would be a sight to see; all the flowers and their fragrances, and the faces of the people who would want to buy them for their beloved: a sight that is once in a bluemoon indeed... So we all went out, regardless of the reaction of our land lady. And what we saw was just like what we imagined. The energy was too much that even though you're not one of those persons who'll look forward to this day, you'll get your spirits high up. And feel something good inside yourself... Then we fetched my sister, and after taking a short look around, we went home...

I look at my room...

And I look at my cellphone's clock. It reads 6am. I forced myself to get out of bed and get ready for school. Somehow, I feel down in the dumps just thinking of what's in store for me today; I've got two 7am quizzes in Occupational Therapy 3, two paperworks, and one powerpoint presentation due today. It pains me to go to school and go through this day, to think that today's the 14th of February. Ugh. How I dread this day.  My sister's abroad and unlike the other two F-14ths that I've had for the last two years, this year, I ain't in a high spirit. It's like energy's been drained from me. Two years ago, it wasn't like this. But times have changed, time continues to change everything, and the circumstances are different. And what you'll learn is that life goes on, and it isn't going to stop for anybody; that everyday,

it's funny that nothing changes, but when we look back, everything has... 

And we can only hope that they do for the better. I guess what's new with me this time of the year is that I have learned to trust, hope, and believe that everything happens in accordance with His plans.

I look at my room... sigh, and get back to work.

- LMG

I wrote this last V-day 2011 to honor time and the change that accompanies it.

One Night of Solitude

Every now then, we get to the point in our lives when we just have to stop, shut out the world and be only with ourselves; be it inside our own bedroom listening to music, or just having a random stroll wherever our feet take us.

These times of being alone make us think and even talk to ourselves, to listen to what our minds are trying to say; like a reality check. We might even start to laugh or possibly cry, or both. During these times, we're free; free from everything and free to do anything. Sometimes, we choose to be alone. While other times, being alone chooses us.

There are people who experience moments of "emptiness"; like there's a hole inside you or that feeling that you're hollow and that you just can't seem to be filled by anything at that very moment. You may find yourself wandering around, not knowing where your feet might take you. But just walking and not thinking about anything in particular, just some random thoughts; like constantly switching channels of a television.

Sometimes, we're able to figure out the reason why 'alone' chose us or why we chose to be alone. And sadly, sometimes we don't; we just snap out of this reverie and keep moving forward.

Solitude; a state or situation of being alone. A night of one can put you at ease or at times, make you even more anxious. Life has always been so complicated, but there are just times when everything seems too complex and we're left standing at crossroads, not knowing which path to choose and what action to do.

When we think about it, being alone doesn't necessarily mean that we're lonely. I believe that being alone is more of a choice of state or situation while being lonely is more of a feeling or emotion. Sometimes, it even takes more courage to be alone than to be with others. Unless of course, those others are trying to kill you.

Some people take this time of solitude to be able to step back and look at the bigger picture. Life is happening at all the corners of this circle world, and only a few people would stop brisk walking or running to cut lines in MRT in a hurry to go home, go out with friends, or go to school/work. For the few people who would actually slow down and try to take in details from their surroundings, the buildings, the people passing by, the trees, the sky... Sometimes, these are the people who are able to take pleasure in even the simplest, minutest details. At times, they can even be surprised; like seeing things for the very first time even though they've been passing that same street or corner for a very long time. This could be because they're the ones who would take time to appreciate these details' worth. For others who are always hurrying up to get to the next destination, they might find time to be exactly speeding up, matching their pace.

Every once in a while, we tend to have these nights of solitude. But instead of speeding up, take advantage of these moments and try slowing down. Maybe we'll see life around us, and it'll feel like everything else is also slowing down. After all, this is our one life, and it is ending one minute at a time.

By hurrying in life, not only do we fail to see the beautiful sceneries around us, but we also tend to lose sense of where we are going and the reason why.