Falling for the Floor

For the first time in my life, I think I understood what it's like to have your heart broken. I have had several crushes beginning in my elementary school years, but I have never entered into a real relationship before. A lot of people would tell me that maybe guys get too intimidated with my strong and 'achiever'-type of personality that they just don't want to try with me. And over the years, I've grown accustomed to it.

But entering my early twenties, things started to become, as Erik Erikson put it, in a continuum between Intimacy versus Isolation. There were times that I feel too lonely, and that there's a hole in me that I seriously needed filled. I have come to consider the fact that maybe I am in love with the idea of finally being in love. But, since I'm a NBSB girl, I actually don't have a clue whether or not I have fallen in love.

Well, now, I'm in the process of moving on, actually trying to pick up the pieces, and start over again. Start over from what? From having fallen for someone who was already committed. And it did not end quite well.

It began during my training months in a hospital. I didn't actually think I'd find love anytime soon since I was too focused on jumpstarting my career. But I guess in life, things tend to find us when we least expect them to.

We literally started out as friends; and in reality, I was actually annoyed at him for his cocky attitude. But then, we started chatting online, and texting, and this went on and on. At first, I didn't feel anything; I was sure of that because I had someone else in mind during that time. But at some point, the continuum shifted to his end; I didn't know how or when or why, it just happened. Maybe it started when I began feeling really comfortable when I'm with him? Maybe it was when he asked me out to watch a movie? Well, I'll never know for sure.

But, what I really knew then was that I knew I was starting to fall. I even asked my friends if I should go for it because I was really scared to feel all of these intensely sweet and scary emotions for the first time. They all said, that "love is for the brave." And by then, I couldn't agree more. I thought, "if this is what it feels to fall in love, then I would like to have this feeling, if not for a lifetime yet, then for a long time..."

And then one fateful night, as we held hands under the table, I found out that he already has a girlfriend.

You could only imagine the frustration and great confusion that I felt during that time; how? why? why? why?

How could he lead me on even though he already has someone else? How could he make me feel special even though he's already in love with someone else? How could he make me fall in love with him even though he already has his heart full?

The day after that, I began the arduous process of retracting my feelings and shutting down my pandora's box. I no longer respond to his flirtations, or as much as possible, I try to ignore him or avoid having any type of contact with him. But for some bitter twist of fate, we kept on bumping into each other even during the early hours of the morning when I'm just walking to work. And he kept on plowing me with his advances as well; he didn't stop coming into our workplace, and we still hang out and talk there a lot.

It was really hard for me to contain my feelings; to stop myself from messing his hair, or reaching out to hold his hand or kiss him. I wanted so much to respond to his advances, and it took every effort not to. Man, falling in love with a committed guy is like falling for the floor; while you're falling, everything just feels so surreal, but once you're there, all that there is is hard cold truth - no one's there to catch you.

I never wanted to be the "other woman," and I don't ever plan to be one. I've seen how this thing works, and the odds were never on the other woman's favor. In the end, it would only result to pain.

So as much as I would like to be by his side, hold him, kiss him, hug him, and have a staring contest with him all day, all I can do, is turn my feelings off and start forgetting him.

After one stolen fateful night, after we stole a kiss from each other, a long hug, minutes of holding hands, and hours of talking and just being with each other; we ended things, and things remained as that.

For less than two months now, I have been struggling not to look at his facebook profile, or keep myself from contacting him by any means possible. There were moments when I thought my feelings would win over my mind, but after thinking sense to myself, what is right always triumphed.

What do you do when doing what's right means ending what makes you happy?

This is one of the few moments in my life when I actually hate choosing to do what's right over having my happiness. But I continue to do what's right because I know that the happiness that I might be able to acquire if I choose the thorny path is only temporary, and in the end, it would only cause me so much pain. Yes, it is truly, deeply, and seriously very difficult to do. There were even times when I was ready to choose my own happiness and just be by his side even if it means swallowing up my pride and succumbing to being the other woman. But I held out. Because I know that in the end it would be worth it.

In the end, doing the right thing, no matter how difficult, is the right thing to do.

After this "almost love" experience, I became unsure with all of the feelings I've felt in the past; if this isn't love yet, then I've had quite some crushes way way back!

This experience may have had me bitter for quite some time now. But it also made me realize and experience a lot of things; I started living outside the box of the 'ideal.' And although it has caused me so much pain...

I honestly believe that it is still truly better to have loved and lost, than never have love at all.

Apparently, a lot of us get involved in such a kind of love mess. But don't give in! Hold out for the love that we deserve; a love that would be given only to us; no sharing! Because we deserve to have someone who will have no one else but only us.

Cut Short

I looked him in his eyes, and I saw sadness, or maybe even regret? Looking back, I never had the faintest idea that I would ever harbor feelings for this guy. I remember the first time we met, it was an ordinary but inevitable encounter; we were both trainees vying to be one of the new staff therapists of a hospital. I was a fresh graduate, and he was a year ahead of me, but we both graduated from the same university.

The moment I saw him, I knew he was the type of guy that every girl should watch out for. Then and there, I labeled him 'douchebag', and he confirmed it gladly when he opened his mouth to speak.

I was actually pissed off by his "confident" aura. And the joke that he cracked at me didn't help as well.

His next words pulled me out of memory lane. He said, "define cheating?"

And we were back to my question in which I asked him how many times has he cheated on his girlfriend of 4 years.

He continued without letting me answer, "like going out? on a movie? with a girl?"

I felt my face burn up, I was not sure if he was referring to the movie-out that we did a couple of weeks ago. So, I said in reply, "like, a date with malice."

Then he said, "only once; Ender's Game." This time, I was sure my whole face turned red. He was referring to the name of the movie that we watched.

A flashback of that night showed me in simple casual wear, walking along Araneta Center, with tears streaming down my face. It was my first 'movie-out', hell it was even my first date ever, but it didn't end quite well. So many things contributed to why it turned out as a flop. First of all, I arrived earlier at the meeting place and had to wait for around an hour for him. Secondly, he kind of used his phone and talked to someone else during the movie. And thirdly, he did that again just to let me hear the 'yes, I'm coming home now'-move after the movie ended. I mean, the movie was great and all, and there was no awkwardness between us --- until he did that douchebag move. But the number one reason why that movie-out was a total flop? It's the fact that it's not even a 'date' to begin with.

Then I just changed the topic. He asked about how my love life was doing. I told him about a suitor who was actually from the same school during HS. He asked me, "so, what's holding you back?"

I stopped fiddling with my glass of beer and said, "well, there's this guy..." And then I looked him in his eyes as I said, "but he's no longer available." And so he replied, "have you any feelings for this guy now?" I replied, "I'm not sure; I don't know. How would you know?" And we both just shrugged.