For the longest time after my most recent heartbreak, here comes that phase when I know that I've finally moved on but is quite unsure as to what I want to do next.
As I moved into a new chapter in my life; new country, new work, new life, I realize how lonely I am. I know in myself that I am looking for that 'great feeling' again. I miss having those butterflies in my stomach, the eagerness you feel when you see his name pop up on your screen, that warmth you feel when he's next to you holding your hands. Basically, I want to fall in love again. But the problem is I'm not sure if I have what it takes to take that plunge again.
I remember my friend using cliff diving as a metaphor for falling in love. She said that the first time she did it, the anxiety she felt prior to the jump was overwhelming that at one point it would make you want to turn and run the other way. But then, she found her courage and she jumped from the cliff. And she said that the fall and then the contact with the water - essentially the whole experience, was so much worth everything she went through before the jump. And so she climbed up again to try and make another jump. She thought to herself, it probably is no longer as scary as the first time since now she's got experience, she basically knows how it feels and what to expect. But while standing on the same spot and looking down on the same way she's going to fall, she said she felt the same amount of anxiety and uncertainty as though it was her first time jumping. Well, if I'm going to be asked, it kind of looks a lot like love to me.
Now, I am on that same spot, I am looking down from the cliff. But I'm not sure at all if I'm prepared for everything this jump entails - the feelings, the stress, the consequences... I'm not sure I have what it takes to be able to survive this jump. I want to jump, but I don't think I know how anymore. It sounds so easy but it's like I've been so accustomed to being single and so comfortable with myself that the idea of entering into a relationship with someone frightens me. I feel like I just 'can't do it.'
This ambivalence is making me feel so lost. I want to fall in love again, but I don't. I try to rack my brains to look for a possible solution for this grid lock. And then an idea sprang to my mind. I thought, maybe someday, someone will come into my life and would make me feel like, "Hey, this is it. It's time to come out from under the rock and live above the surface again." Maybe, that's how it's going to be - someone, who would just be himself, would finally make me brave again - brave enough to overcome the anxiety preventing me from taking that leap. Maybe someday I'll try again. But, I hope it comes sooner.
