Uncertain

For the longest time after my most recent heartbreak, here comes that phase when I know that I've finally moved on but is quite unsure as to what I want to do next.

As I moved into a new chapter in my life; new country, new work, new life, I realize how lonely I am. I know in myself that I am looking for that 'great feeling' again. I miss having those butterflies in my stomach, the eagerness you feel when you see his name pop up on your screen, that warmth you feel when he's next to you holding your hands. Basically, I want to fall in love again. But the problem is I'm not sure if I have what it takes to take that plunge again.

I remember my friend using cliff diving as a metaphor for falling in love. She said that the first time she did it, the anxiety she felt prior to the jump was overwhelming that at one point it would make you want to turn and run the other way. But then, she found her courage and she jumped from the cliff. And she said that the fall and then the contact with the water - essentially the whole experience, was so much worth everything she went through before the jump. And so she climbed up again to try and make another jump. She thought to herself, it probably is no longer as scary as the first time since now she's got experience, she basically knows how it feels and what to expect. But while standing on the same spot and looking down on the same way she's going to fall, she said she felt the same amount of anxiety and uncertainty as though it was her first time jumping. Well, if I'm going to be asked, it kind of looks a lot like love to me.

Now, I am on that same spot, I am looking down from the cliff. But I'm not sure at all if I'm prepared for everything this jump entails - the feelings, the stress, the consequences... I'm not sure I have what it takes to be able to survive this jump. I want to jump, but I don't think I know how anymore. It sounds so easy but it's like I've been so accustomed to being single and so comfortable with myself that the idea of entering into a relationship with someone frightens me. I feel like I just 'can't do it.'

This ambivalence is making me feel so lost. I want to fall in love again, but I don't. I try to rack my brains to look for a possible solution for this grid lock. And then an idea sprang to my mind. I thought, maybe someday, someone will come into my life and would make me feel like, "Hey, this is it. It's time to come out from under the rock and live above the surface again." Maybe, that's how it's going to be - someone, who would just be himself, would finally make me brave again - brave enough to overcome the anxiety preventing me from taking that leap. Maybe someday I'll try again. But, I hope it comes sooner.

Fly: I Want to Fall In Love Again

Walking inside the Citadel in Hue

I was having an ordinary and rather uneventful night. I just finished having dinner and was famished because I also just finished working out. As I was having dinner, I decided to watch a movie called The Age of Adaline. It tells of a story of a girl who accidentally became immune to aging. She lived a life of being always on the run so that people would not notice how she doesn't age a day. She never told anyone about her condition, and so she never settled down or loved another man aside from her deceased husband because she was afraid that people might find her and do things to her. And then one day, she meets a remarkable man who made her realize that she doesn't want to run anymore. Fortunately, another accident happened, and as if the heavens finally heard her prayer, she regained her ability to age.

I have been in love with the same person for more than a year now. And although it pains me to admit, he doesn't feel the same way. It was one great heartbreak because it was one of those sad 'almosts.' Almost in love. Almost together. Almost. I have been trying to move on from these feelings, trying to forget. But for some unknown reason, if I'd just encounter even the slightest, minutest, most unremarkable detail that could ever trigger any memory involving him, it would unfortunately make me fall back to his gravity again. And I would start over again, I would start from scratch. It's as if it is an unending nightmare, a vicious cycle.

I have done all that I could to distract myself. I tried to live, or so I believed I lived differently. I partied, and I partied hard. I drank, and I drank a lot. I even did things that I thought I'd never do even in my wildest dreams. I wrote. I hurt. I traveled. I cried. And then I wrote again.

Until one day, I woke up and realized that I am no longer hurting. I no longer miss. I no longer crave. I no longer remember as much as I do. And I believed that I have moved on. But sometimes, I still do feel that he's still the most special person in my heart. And that is what pains me, still...

So that's why I want to fall in love again. I want to feel the rush of blood into my face making it burn up and all red as I catch a glimpse of him. I want to feel the strands of my hair on my back stand as I hear his whispers in my ear. I want to chase those butterflies in my stomach as we held hands. I want to see his soul as he sees mine while we stare at each other for hours doing nothing. Hell, I even want to have my heart broken again, if that's what needs be.

But ultimately, I want to fall in love again... and this time, not with the same person who broke my heart. I want to find love in another person who would make me believe that it is still worth feeling, that it is still the best feeling. I want to fly and not be afraid to fall. To believe that there's someone who would actually be there at the bottom to catch me after the great fall.

Yes. I would love to fall in love again.

Falling for the Floor

For the first time in my life, I think I understood what it's like to have your heart broken. I have had several crushes beginning in my elementary school years, but I have never entered into a real relationship before. A lot of people would tell me that maybe guys get too intimidated with my strong and 'achiever'-type of personality that they just don't want to try with me. And over the years, I've grown accustomed to it.

But entering my early twenties, things started to become, as Erik Erikson put it, in a continuum between Intimacy versus Isolation. There were times that I feel too lonely, and that there's a hole in me that I seriously needed filled. I have come to consider the fact that maybe I am in love with the idea of finally being in love. But, since I'm a NBSB girl, I actually don't have a clue whether or not I have fallen in love.

Well, now, I'm in the process of moving on, actually trying to pick up the pieces, and start over again. Start over from what? From having fallen for someone who was already committed. And it did not end quite well.

It began during my training months in a hospital. I didn't actually think I'd find love anytime soon since I was too focused on jumpstarting my career. But I guess in life, things tend to find us when we least expect them to.

We literally started out as friends; and in reality, I was actually annoyed at him for his cocky attitude. But then, we started chatting online, and texting, and this went on and on. At first, I didn't feel anything; I was sure of that because I had someone else in mind during that time. But at some point, the continuum shifted to his end; I didn't know how or when or why, it just happened. Maybe it started when I began feeling really comfortable when I'm with him? Maybe it was when he asked me out to watch a movie? Well, I'll never know for sure.

But, what I really knew then was that I knew I was starting to fall. I even asked my friends if I should go for it because I was really scared to feel all of these intensely sweet and scary emotions for the first time. They all said, that "love is for the brave." And by then, I couldn't agree more. I thought, "if this is what it feels to fall in love, then I would like to have this feeling, if not for a lifetime yet, then for a long time..."

And then one fateful night, as we held hands under the table, I found out that he already has a girlfriend.

You could only imagine the frustration and great confusion that I felt during that time; how? why? why? why?

How could he lead me on even though he already has someone else? How could he make me feel special even though he's already in love with someone else? How could he make me fall in love with him even though he already has his heart full?

The day after that, I began the arduous process of retracting my feelings and shutting down my pandora's box. I no longer respond to his flirtations, or as much as possible, I try to ignore him or avoid having any type of contact with him. But for some bitter twist of fate, we kept on bumping into each other even during the early hours of the morning when I'm just walking to work. And he kept on plowing me with his advances as well; he didn't stop coming into our workplace, and we still hang out and talk there a lot.

It was really hard for me to contain my feelings; to stop myself from messing his hair, or reaching out to hold his hand or kiss him. I wanted so much to respond to his advances, and it took every effort not to. Man, falling in love with a committed guy is like falling for the floor; while you're falling, everything just feels so surreal, but once you're there, all that there is is hard cold truth - no one's there to catch you.

I never wanted to be the "other woman," and I don't ever plan to be one. I've seen how this thing works, and the odds were never on the other woman's favor. In the end, it would only result to pain.

So as much as I would like to be by his side, hold him, kiss him, hug him, and have a staring contest with him all day, all I can do, is turn my feelings off and start forgetting him.

After one stolen fateful night, after we stole a kiss from each other, a long hug, minutes of holding hands, and hours of talking and just being with each other; we ended things, and things remained as that.

For less than two months now, I have been struggling not to look at his facebook profile, or keep myself from contacting him by any means possible. There were moments when I thought my feelings would win over my mind, but after thinking sense to myself, what is right always triumphed.

What do you do when doing what's right means ending what makes you happy?

This is one of the few moments in my life when I actually hate choosing to do what's right over having my happiness. But I continue to do what's right because I know that the happiness that I might be able to acquire if I choose the thorny path is only temporary, and in the end, it would only cause me so much pain. Yes, it is truly, deeply, and seriously very difficult to do. There were even times when I was ready to choose my own happiness and just be by his side even if it means swallowing up my pride and succumbing to being the other woman. But I held out. Because I know that in the end it would be worth it.

In the end, doing the right thing, no matter how difficult, is the right thing to do.

After this "almost love" experience, I became unsure with all of the feelings I've felt in the past; if this isn't love yet, then I've had quite some crushes way way back!

This experience may have had me bitter for quite some time now. But it also made me realize and experience a lot of things; I started living outside the box of the 'ideal.' And although it has caused me so much pain...

I honestly believe that it is still truly better to have loved and lost, than never have love at all.

Apparently, a lot of us get involved in such a kind of love mess. But don't give in! Hold out for the love that we deserve; a love that would be given only to us; no sharing! Because we deserve to have someone who will have no one else but only us.

The Right Kind of Wrong 1.0

As a kid, we usually are taught to always do the right thing; I mean, we have a class for it for Christ's sake (Good Manners and Right Conduct); to help an old lady cross the street, return a wallet to its rightful owner, etc. We held onto the fear that something bad will happen to us when we don't do good. And as adults, that's what we should always remember; to always want to do good. But what if doing the right thing means you'll have to give up your own happiness?

I've seen lots and lots of cases of "affairs" while growing up; it's in the family when an aunt decides to live with a married guy who was separated; it's in high school drama when you hear rumors about a certain girl or guy who has an affair with another guy or girl other than their boyfriend or girlfriend. Hell, it's even in movies and or t.v. dramas. And in all those times, I've always condemned the involved parties; I judged them for falling from grace and 'giving in to desire.'

Perhaps the greatest reason why I've always hated the idea of third parties or having an affair is because my sister got dumped by her almost 7-year partner for some bullshit reason of needing 'space,' and then the asshole just got to introduce a new girlfriend a few weeks after the breakup. And then, a few months after, I learned from a friend that the guy and his new girl was already reportedly dating even before he broke up with my sister. Yep, that would be the real reason why.

During those times, I was just in my freshman year in college, and I don't think I've ever forgiven the two of them for causing profound pain to my sister, which ultimately also caused not just me, but also my family, tantamount pain. I tried understanding them; thinking what could have happened? what could their reason be? how could they do that? etc. And I failed to understand even after using all the logic in the world. So I said to myself, I would never be the famed 'other woman'.

But I guess, in this life, 'never say never.'

I was just fresh out of the turmoil of passing the board exams and resting my brains for about 2 months; I was out to 'conquer the world,' and I chose to start by trying out on a hospital, which was hiring occupational therapists at that time. When I entered as a trainee, I was expecting it to be difficult because it would be a transition phase for me: from having a role of just being a student to having a role of a 'working daughter', which bears much greater weight and responsibility; suddenly, everything was just so serious, and money seemed to have become the center of gravity. All that I had in my mind then was 'work.'

It's just that in life, sometimes, the things that you didn't expect to find would come and hit you right at your face. There were physical therapists who were trainees like me; I knew some of them from my batch but the rest were from other schools, and or from other batches.

At first, I had this small crush for the receptionist who was a graduate of psychology from another university. He was actually the first person there who introduced himself to me and showed a wee bit of interest. Well, I call it a stupid crush because I knew that it wasn't anything serious; I told myself that I just had to have something to make me more motivated to wake up each morning and go to work. By that time, I was very homesick and felt very lonely. I didn't know why or how or who or what, I simply felt greatly 'unsure' of everything; my life, my career decisions, my friends, who I want to be, or where I'd want to be; for the first time in my life, I was so unsure of my future.

I was desperate to rid myself of that loneliness or that uncertainty. So every week, I try to gather all the company I could get; be it a dinner with an old friend from college or high school, or booze night with co-workers; I didn't care, so long as I wasn't alone.

By our second month of being trainees, we had to be grouped into 2 because the Christmas season is fast approaching, and we were asked to prepare performances for the department's party. That was the time that I started to get to know the other trainees.

But there was this one trainee who actually ticked me off the first time he ever spoke to me. He was the president of our batch and my first impression of him was that he is a douche bag. Yep, he confirmed it the moment he opened his mouth during our first meeting. I even told my friend, the other OT trainee, that he is the kind of guy that you'd most certainly get hurt if you fall in love with or, simply, meddle with him. So, classic asshole he was, I decided to shut him out, and just ignore him.

But then, he started acting weird by being very 'papansin' (attention-grabber), like, when I am walking with a staff OT, and we would pass by him, he would tell me off to the staff and he'll act all hurt or being bullied by me. Every time he'd do that I get pissed. And then my friend, the other OT trainee, also began to notice how he gets too attention-grabber around me. That's when I started noticing him.

We even became closer because we started chatting online after hours, and sometimes, even during work hours, which was weird for me. During that time, I was trying to kick start another level of friendship with the receptionist guy. But, eventually, my attention shifted from the first guy to this surprisingly irritatingly funny second guy.

I started asking myself this question: who would you pick? The guy who makes you happy and brightens up your day just by smiling at you and greeting you 'good morning'? or the guy who whenever you see him, you feel like your heart is bursting into a million tiny pieces and still you feel fine?

Guess who is who.

After the party and the performances, we became closer to the point when he asked me out to a movie. My OT trainee friend said that it was considered a 'date', but for me, I'm simply not sure. First of all, he mentioned no such thing as 'date' or synonyms of such word for that matter. He simply asked me out if I wanted to watch a movie with him.

I was actually thrilled at that time because it was my first time to go out, and my first time to go out on a 'movie', and my first time to go out on a movie with a guy... just the two of us. You can just imagine how I planned on canceling even when I was the first to get there, or how scared I felt; what if we don't click? what if I do something wrong? what if it doesn't end well? A lot of what ifs were going through my mind, but I said to myself, I would never know the answer to that question if I don't at least try and go.

So I went and watched a movie with him; I bought the popcorn and drinks.

The movie went well, except after the movie, he kind of 'bolted'. He used one of the lamest excuses out of the book: he said that his tummy wasn't feeling well and that he has to go home. He even used his phone and talked to his 'brother' aloud saying that he's on his way home. Yep, douche bag.

So I said, "go". And he did. I was walking along Araneta Center with actual tears streaming down my face. "Why?" That was the question that kept running on my head.

- End of Part 1 -

Red Velvet Cupcakes

This is the story of how spoiled red velvet cupcakes became surprising metaphors for a complicated relationship. But this story doesn't have a happy ending.

Since I was a little kid, I knew that I have a thing for sweets; chocolates, cakes, candies, you name them, I love them. But then as I grew older, time went by, and tastes changed. Sweets were suddenly not on top of my 'must eat' list. But I still liked them, I just no longer craved for it as much as I did before.

For the first time in my life, I got to receive cupcakes as a birthday gift, and taste them. A few years back, red velvet cupcakes were a thing; people were IG-ing it and would die to have some from the best bakeshops in the Metro. Even though I think that the idea of buying overly-priced cupcakes was absurd, I still yearned for it. I thought about how it would taste like and how it would feel to have a go at it. But, lo and behold, years passed, and the craze passed, but I have yet to taste them. / Just like love, we yearn for ourselves to find someone who will knock us off our feet and share with us the greatest love story of our lives.

But come my birthday this year, I didn't think that cupcakes would mean so much to me as a very special person surprisingly gave them to me as a gift.

As I received those cupcakes, I think what I felt was the normal reaction that every human being celebrating his or her birthday would feel if he or she receives a gift from a friend: happy (or that feeling of being 'appreciated') after a brief moment of feeling 'pleasant' surprise or shock. I knew then that whatever I felt towards the cupcakes was 'right.' I was very excited to have them because it's my first time to taste them. But I was also scared at the beginning, because deep down inside, I was frightened that it may not live up to the expectations that I've built up through the years of yearning for it. / Just like when we unexpectedly find love, we feel that jolt of happiness as well as the fear of it not being everything you thought and imagined it would be.

Unfortunately, a lot of circumstances spoiled the cupcakes. First of all, I was too busy during the day of my birthday that I failed to eat them on the same day. Secondly, I didn't have a refrigerator at the place where I was staying, so they just sat on top of my desk for 2 days. And thirdly, I was also too busy on the day after my birthday that I was only able to have time to eat the cupcakes at around midnight of their second day in my room. / Just like how circumstances, such as finding out that the love you found already has his heart tied with someone else, would spoil any chance of sharing the feelings with him --- there simply is no opportunity to do so.

The moment I took out one cupcake, I knew that there is a great possibility that it's already spoiled. This is evidenced by the slight stink coming from the cream on top of the cupcake, as well as the color change of the cream from pearly white to buttery yellow. But, I felt like, they were too valuable to just be thrown away without having experienced them even for just one bite. However, I also knew at that moment that the feelings I had after I knew the cupcakes might be spoiled were 'wrong'. 'Wrong' because even though I knew that eating spoiled food is never good for you, I still decided to take a risk and indulge myself out of curiosity and desire for experience. So, even though I knew for a fact that it might not be good for my tummy, I took a bite from the bottom of one cupcake. / Just like after finding out that he's no longer available, you still continue to have hope that maybe 'there might be another way' for the two of you --- but most of the time, there isn't. So whatever desire, feelings and ideas that you have or that both of you are harboring, they are simply and naturally 'wrong.'

As I tasted the cupcake, I thought I was right to take a chance with it because the taste wasn't too bad. So I continued eating the cupcake until only the cream was left on my hand. I also tried tasting a pinch worth of cream with sprinkles. I knew then that the cream was already spoiled because it tasted funny. So I didn't continue. I put the cream back inside the container and I just watched as it rejoined the other 2 untouched cupcakes. / Just like when we've already taken the plunge with someone who was already taken, at some point, we begin to realize that what we're doing is wrong and we start having second thoughts whether or not we should continue down this thorny path.

As I looked at the cupcakes, I felt very regretful that I didn't give time to eat the cupcakes or that I didn't eat them the moment that they were given to me. At that moment, I knew that there was nothing I could do. So I just brushed my teeth, endured the feeling of regret, and went to sleep. / Just like when we realize that there is really no right act that we could ever do to change the situation --- every move is considered completely wrong. So you just feel disappointed that things happened during the worst possible time in your life.

The next day, instead of doing the right thing, the great regret of not being able to eat them stopped me from throwing them to the trash. Which was wrong --- because I already knew that I could no longer eat them. / Just like after a night's worth of sleep, and we see the person we love, we fall into the same pattern of ignoring what's right and continue doing what's wrong because being with them made us happy.

After breakfast, my tummy started feeling weird and began talking to me via strange gurgly noises. I then felt panicky when I realized that this may very well now be the reaction of my stomach for eating spoiled food the night before. And one hour inside the bathroom confirmed such an idea. Good thing my stomach didn't complain enough that day that I was still able to go to work without any 'accidents'.

That stomach ache and LBM experience made me realize that in the end:

The only thing that would ever come out of doing something, that you already know was wrong in the beginning, would be getting hurt in the end.

That single red velvet cupcake stood for having an affair with a guy who was already committed. A relationship that started out as friends budded into something complicated. At first, the feelings felt were 'right' because the girl and the boy consider their relationship as such. Time went by, the two became closer, and the girl found out that the guy already has a girlfriend. Now, the feelings that they started to have for each other also began to turn into something that isn't quite right. And yet, they continue their 'friendship,' until they both know that it's more than that and so they act more than friends. Deep down, they both know that the guy would never leave his girl for her, and that in the end, the only thing that would ever come out of this crazy mess is pain, not just for one side, but for all three of them.

End thought: I used to ask people, how is it possible for people who are already taken to love another person who they know would only get hurt in the end because they themselves are sure they wouldn't trade who they have for their other woman?

Hungry for Love

"I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once."

- Haruki Murakami