The Day I Kissed You Good Bye

Starting out a new life from scratch in an entirely new country was a dream come true. I can be who I wanted to be, and no one would be able to tell the difference. I can create a new routine, make new lasting friendships, grow in my career, spend hard-earned money, travel and discover, and maybe, even fall in love. There's just literally endless possibilities and opportunities. But, nobody ever said it would be easy.

Because in this human life, everything that's worth having never ever comes easy. All the best things take time; just like fermenting wine or century egg, or that perfectly moldy cheese. Career, friendships, relationships, and self-actualisation - all these require hard work over a period of time.

I never actually had a problem with growing in my career. I've always been open to exploring each open door.

I've always had my family behind me in everything I do. And I have always found it easy to find friends who would be with me through thick and thin.

Self-actualisation practically takes a whole lifetime; or so no one is ever sure.

I guess the only thing that felt like I was missing in this new life is that someone I can share all these adventures with, be crazy with, encounter problems, and still stay. We're caught in that new world when dating has become a battle zone where people like me are placed at a grave disadvantage. It has now become typical for ladies who are independent, career-driven, successful, family-orientated, fit/healthy, funny, and whatever guys these days like from a girl, to be single. It's probably not because the male species have been diminished in numbers; it's just almost half of the males in this world are pricks, the other half being divided into guys who like males as well or are already attached; and the small teeny tiny percentage that is actually available can still be divided into those who we can be attracted to, are too old or too young, or are simply not attracted to us.

But setting all those aside, there is still this thing called cultural differences wherein people like me, who were raised in a conservative type of thinking, when we actually fortunately meet people who like us and we like in return, make things unworkable. Why? Because there are some things that we aren't able to give that apparently people in this side of the world think is essential in every "healthy" relationship.

This made things head on complicated. I felt very conflicted in every sense possible. It was not about joining the band wagon, I guess. There are things I choose not to do not just because I am a Catholic. I choose not to do it just because I respect myself. Period. People in this side of the world need to chill. I have come to the point in this dating life to have zero care whatsoever about what guys here think of me when they find out I still have not done it.

In our culture, we can fall in love and still be in love without needing to do it. As I say, we were raised in a conservative type of thinking. But I think, it's more than just that; I think we're able to appreciate that some things in life are worth the wait, no matter how long that wait takes. I am not saying that there are no sexually active couples in my country. I believe that everything happens in it's own perfect timing, and not just done out of response to bodily/physiological needs. Go ahead, think of it as cheesy, corny, or 'immature.' I think that's where people are wrong; I may lack the experience, but most people in this world have that experience and are still, sadly, immature.

I am not condemning people who are doing it. I am all for those who do it out of love. And I'm not saying I wouldn't want to do it. As I've said, some things are worth the wait, and for me, this is one of those things. I just choose to wait for when I finally feel like it is the right time, with someone I am deeply head-over heels in love with. Because why share that most special moment of my life with someone I don't even have feelings for? Why share a part of me with someone who doesn't love me? No, I will definitely not. I'm going to have to be selfish in that sense.

Why can't we try to be together without putting sex in the equation? Shouldn't it be much more worth while to fall in love even without that yet? And then when the time comes that we actually do it, I'm pretty sure it is going to be one of the greatest moments of our life.

That's why I am kissing you, all the guys who can't or are unable to wait, good bye. This is me not settling. This is me still choosing my morals over some one night leap of faith thing that we're not even sure is going to last the next day. This is me choosing to love myself more than the players of this game. This is me giving tadhana another chance.

Uncertain

For the longest time after my most recent heartbreak, here comes that phase when I know that I've finally moved on but is quite unsure as to what I want to do next.

As I moved into a new chapter in my life; new country, new work, new life, I realize how lonely I am. I know in myself that I am looking for that 'great feeling' again. I miss having those butterflies in my stomach, the eagerness you feel when you see his name pop up on your screen, that warmth you feel when he's next to you holding your hands. Basically, I want to fall in love again. But the problem is I'm not sure if I have what it takes to take that plunge again.

I remember my friend using cliff diving as a metaphor for falling in love. She said that the first time she did it, the anxiety she felt prior to the jump was overwhelming that at one point it would make you want to turn and run the other way. But then, she found her courage and she jumped from the cliff. And she said that the fall and then the contact with the water - essentially the whole experience, was so much worth everything she went through before the jump. And so she climbed up again to try and make another jump. She thought to herself, it probably is no longer as scary as the first time since now she's got experience, she basically knows how it feels and what to expect. But while standing on the same spot and looking down on the same way she's going to fall, she said she felt the same amount of anxiety and uncertainty as though it was her first time jumping. Well, if I'm going to be asked, it kind of looks a lot like love to me.

Now, I am on that same spot, I am looking down from the cliff. But I'm not sure at all if I'm prepared for everything this jump entails - the feelings, the stress, the consequences... I'm not sure I have what it takes to be able to survive this jump. I want to jump, but I don't think I know how anymore. It sounds so easy but it's like I've been so accustomed to being single and so comfortable with myself that the idea of entering into a relationship with someone frightens me. I feel like I just 'can't do it.'

This ambivalence is making me feel so lost. I want to fall in love again, but I don't. I try to rack my brains to look for a possible solution for this grid lock. And then an idea sprang to my mind. I thought, maybe someday, someone will come into my life and would make me feel like, "Hey, this is it. It's time to come out from under the rock and live above the surface again." Maybe, that's how it's going to be - someone, who would just be himself, would finally make me brave again - brave enough to overcome the anxiety preventing me from taking that leap. Maybe someday I'll try again. But, I hope it comes sooner.